Fighting is a taboo subject in our culture. It’s something that couples don’t often talk about, even though it happens to almost everyone from time to time. But how much is too much?
Is it normal to fight every day in a relationship? What can couples do to stop the madness? If you’re looking for answers, you’re in the right place. Let’s dive into how often couples argue, how much fighting is healthy, and how to handle it if things get out of hand.
1. Find the Underlying Pattern
Almost every fight is rooted in an underlying issue. Rather than arguing about the surface problem, take some time to explore what is really going on beneath the surface.
This can help you identify what is really at the heart of the conflict and give you a place to start when attempting to resolve it.
Spend time doing this outside of an argument. Journalling is one of the best ways to use reflection to understand the subtleties of a conflict. Just let the pen continue to write until you hit something that feels true and meaningful.
2. Respect Your Partner’s Boundaries
Establishing that both of you have the right to voice your opinion, disagree, and set boundaries is essential.
For example, if you know your partner can’t listen when he’s doing many things at once, don’t get mad at them for not hearing what you said while they’re washing the dishes.
Small boundaries like this can help keep fights from escalating out of control and add understanding and compassion to the relationship.
3. Acknowledge Each Other’s Feelings
We think we are trying to get the facts right in a fight. But the truth is, it’s just an emotional battlefield, and the only way to win is to recognize your partner’s feelings and show empathy for their point of view.
When we can acknowledge our partner and how they feel, we de-escalate their anger and create a safe space for them to express themselves with less defensiveness and anger.
4. Discuss the Fight Once Things Calm Down
Talk about previous fights when things have calmed down and you are both in a better headspace. Many couples don’t talk about problems when things are good, leading to more problems.
This is a good opportunity to discuss how it made you both feel, what the underlying issue was, and how to avoid similar fights in the future.
5. Don’t Say Sorry – Apologize
Some people think that using the words “I’m sorry” is the same as an apology, but it isn’t. Apologizing is about admitting that we were wrong and taking responsibility for our words or actions.
Say something like: “I wanted you to know that I’m sorry for yelling at you. I know that when someone raises their voice at me, it makes me feel scared and disrespected. I don’t want that in our relationship or to make you feel that way.”
6. Ask Questions
We become less curious in moments of conflict. This is because our mind is pinging between three possibilities: fight, flight, or freeze.
There’s a narrow focus when we’re hurt and trying to protect ourselves. But when we can bring curiosity into the conversation, it shifts the dynamic and opens up opportunities to listen.
Ask your partner lots of questions in and out of fights, and make sure to really listen to the answers.
7. Take a Time Out
Sometimes it can be hard to stay calm when we’re in the heat of an argument. A time-out can be a great way to step away and give yourself some space to cool down.
Make sure you don’t storm off, leaving your partner in the weeds. Instead, say: “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now, and I don’t want to act impulsively. Can we take a break and come back to this conversation in half an hour?”
This may nip the conflict in the bud by giving you a redo.
8. Seek Professional Help
It takes a lot of work to reduce or stop relationship conflicts. We aren’t taught this stuff in school, and we don’t always have the best modeling from the media or our friends and families.
Seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor can give you the tools to deal with these issues more constructively. It can also help you better understand yourself, your partner, and the relationship.
9. Breathe
Focusing on the breath is so simple, yet so powerful. Most people don’t realize they’re holding their breaths during a fight or taking shallow sips of air.
Yes, even though you’re not noticing it, this behavior changes your biochemistry, affecting your handling of the situation.
So, when things get tense, take a few breaths and focus on the rise and fall of your chest – this can help to keep you in the present moment rather than getting swept away by your emotions.
No one likes to fight with their significant other. But it’s important to remember that not all fights are bad. As long as both parties focus on learning how to fight productively and respectfully, it can be a positive experience.
So, don’t be afraid to encourage healthy conflict in your relationship. It will be worth it in the long run!
